What you Want From Sex May Change over Time
What you wanted from sex at the beginning of the relationship maybe not what you want to do sex now
Sex is about different things for different people.and What it's about for you is likely to change as you mature. At the start of a relationship sex can be charged full of desire, with a build up of anticipation.It might be fuelled by sexual charge and be about intercourse and orgasm. As the relationship develops and a deeper loving attachment builds, sex might become more about intimacy, expressing loving connection.It might be a slow more relaxed pleasuring where the focus in on being present and connected. You might not need to have intercourse or focus on orgasm or need to reciprocate everytime you are having a loving connection. There may be more room for sexual connection, play and erotism.
Being In The Mood
Research by Rosemary Basson (2000) found that for many women sexual contact doesn't start with sexual desire , instead the motive for sex was a multitude of different reasons based around wanting to feel close and connected to their partner. She discovered particulary for women a re-enforcing cycle of emotionally intimate experiences is required first to before sexual desire is felt. This research was a change from the accepted notion that you need to feel desire first. What this means is that rather than be concerned with levels of desire, instead create a slow relaxing time where you focus on intimacy and connection with a lot of carressing and eye contact. Slow things down so you can be in the moment and open to what happens. The more relaxed you are and able to focus on connection, in time the sexuality will flow.
If there is the expectation that kissing or being sexual leads to intercourse and not the commuication that allows either to say, "I'm enjoying this closeness and I don't want to go further right now" then it's hard to relax. Seeing a relationship counsellor can help you talk together about the vulnerable feelings that get triggered and help you be better together sexually.
Am I Normal ?
It's understandable to want some kind of outside acceptance around what you are feeling, not feeling, doing, not doing.
Am I normal ? is one of the most common questions sex therapists are asked. It's a relief to find that many other people feel the same way. A good follow on question is, how can me and my partner develop the kind of relationship where we can talk about our wants and sexual desires openly? How can I accept what I feel ? The cultural message from the media is sex is easy and natural, it should just happen. Films show sex occuring in a stereotypical way. Don't you think it's odd that's it's accepted as normal that parents don't educate their children about sex? It's seen as a taboo, private subject, too dangerous to talk about. It's no wonder that as adults we are left wondering what it's all about.
Maybe being normal, doing what other's are doing isn't the best way to be. Many couples don't talk about sex, guess what each other wants, worry about it and worry about being normal. There is a lot of information available about what makes good sex - see recommended books below
Sexual Issues Usually Reflect what is going on in the Relationship
It's worth getting professional support with sexual issues, rather than suffer. With a little support most issues can be worked through with a combination of looking at expectations and what can't be spoken about. We put ourselves under so much pressure sexually, that we end up disconnecting from what is going on in the moment. Anxiety about performance, getting it right, being enough stop us relaxing and connecting which requires noticing what is going on in our bodies.
Communicate with Your Partner
What does talking about sex involve?
- Being able to say yes to what you like, able to make requests, able to say no and if it't the case work thorugh your partner sulking
- Being able to talk about differences in sex drive.
- Talking about differences in what you like, what helps you connect.
- Talking about what is going on in the relationship and how it affects your wish to be close or need to talk
- Working thorugh sexual issues together
- Being able to make requests
It helps to be able to communicate what you are enjoying to your partner through moans and grunts. If you are unused to this you could try it out for a period of time and let your partner support you.
It's Ok to have different levels of turn on as long as they are positive . You partner might be turned on to level 10 sometimes while you are at a level 3 and vice versa.
Being Clear with Your 'Yes' and 'No'
A common scenario is for some partners in a bid to not upset the other caretake each other. It's hard to know what the other wants as it's not clear if they are going along with a request not to cause offence. It becomes a muddle, as if you are busy pleasing your partner, without being true to your own needs, you begin to lose touch with what it is you want and disconnect from your instinct of what is right for you.
Rather than thinking it is your job to pleasure your partner, read their mind about what they want, it works better if you can develop the kind of relationship where you can both relax into yourselves knowing that you will each take responsibilty for requesting what you would like and saying no to what you don't like. When you can trust you partner will say no, you can trust their yes is true.
Body and Mind
The key to good sex is is to be in the now of your body feltsense . If you tend to be in your mind, being in control of what is happening, thinking about what is happening next, having self judgements or worry, it takes you away from being in tune with your body and what you want. Sometimes it helps to see your mind as a journalist wanting to know the 'story'. You can decide to check in less often with the journalist, instead feel into your body sense for a least 15 minutes before asking yourself ,'Am I enjoying this?'